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The Size of Things to Come

February 24, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments


After eight months of suspense, Mr Cameron is one step closer to revealing the size of the new British State. Mr Cameron is on record about his intent to reduce the size of the state but so far has not revealed its intended dimensions. Some regard the lack of hard numbers as uncharacteristically vague, given Mr Cameron’s commitment to transparency and open government. Others have ventured to suggest that it may be an extraordinarily cunning plan that allows us enough time to imagine a future so grimly apocalyptic that we are in fact relieved and pleased when it is only somewhat apocalyptic, and most of the grimness is endured by other people.

Mr Cameron’s latest announcement about local government funding helps to sketch out the parameters of this new and streamlined state, leading some to speculate that the new state is going to be very small indeed.

The proposals suggest that wealthy boroughs keep the business tax they generate, to distribute as they see fit in their own areas. Poorer boroughs will keep the business tax that they don’t generate, which they will be permitted to distribute to those who really need it in any way they deem appropriate.

So, with these new numbers in, how big is the state going to be?

“We believe it may be big enough to fit Mr Cameron, the current government and at least one hundred of his closest friends,” say expert specialists who have examined the plans in some detail. “This is a little smaller than we were expecting, but we don’t see any significant obstacles to fitting in everyone and everything that actually counts.”

The Lib Dems were quick to reassure the country that they have checked the plans for fairness and are happy to sign off on this sensible and equitable proposal.

“The people who have money will be able to have money and the people who don’t have money won’t have money,” said a spokesman. “This is always what we hoped for when we spoke of a fairer nation. I mean, anything else wouldn’t be fair.” 

There is only one conceivable stumbling block to this sensible approach, which is concern about what will happen at the next election. Some tories are concerned that if Mr Cameron does reduce the size of the state to one hundred of his closest friends, that the rest of the population, who no longer fit in this sleek and streamlined state, might not vote for him next time around. The tories have spent time researching the grasping and self-serving nature of some people and fear that without an obvious incentive, such as being regarded as a part of the state, some of these people may not see a reason to vote for them to govern it.

“This must and will be addressed,” said a senior tory who declined to be named. “In two years time, once we have all the money again, we’ll give everyone an extra loaf of bread and a chicken. Even the scroungers. They’ll be so desperate by then that this will obviously buy their eternal fealty.”

However, the outgoing Irish government have warned their British counterparts that these plans may not be enough. Last year they offered free cheese to their downtrodden and impoverished masses, and they’re still going to end up with 14% of the vote when the public hits the polls tomorrow.

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