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Down with this sort of thing


Rumours have reached parliament that great hordes of rabidly ungrateful individuals intend to publicly protest against the government this weekend.

“Is this about the forests again?” demanded a bankbencher.

When journalists tentatively attempted to explain that it was not about the forests so much as about closing libraries, privatizing the NHS, privatizing all public services, pay cuts, cuts to housing benefit, cuts to Disability Living Allowance, a likely million and half public service job losses, laws against feeding the homeless and a feeling that perhaps we were not all in this together, the Tories were flabbergasted.

Initial government estimates indicated that the protest would consist of the fifteen or so hard left ultra-radicals who think everyone should be allowed to have a job.  However this turned out to be an underestimation as it emerged that several hundred thousand people intend to march. Aware that all the policies being questioned are for the good of ordinary people, the Tories fear that this militant protest movement will confuse the hard-working families their polices are specifically designed to help.

“I just don’t know what more we can do to subdue these scurrilously unpatriotic attitudes,” said an unnamed minister, looking pale at the thought. “We told them we’re all in it together during this difficult time – that means they’re meant to die quietly in the gutter for the good of the country, not march about disrupting traffic and whining! What if it prevents people from shopping and supporting our economy? This is worse than savagery. It’s treason!”

“You can be sure that when we introduce conscription and make marching on a Saturday afternoon a legal requirement for most of these scroungers that they turn around and complain about that as well!” said an incredulous senior Tory. “It’s just ungrateful! I mean, here we are, all being in it together, and these people still find something to complain about!”

By afternoon, distress had spread through the government.

“And they’re all silly jobs, the ones we’re cutting, not real jobs. They’re the sort of jobs that Labour only invented to bribe people into voting for them and to pander to the notion that women and poor people are actually employable. We’re doing the country a favour by getting rid of them. Only the right kind of ordinary people should have jobs.”

Mr Cameron, sought to calm his distraught MPs with a typically wise and pragmatic assessment of the situation.

“There is a great tradition in this country of letting people wander around the capital for a while and then ignoring them. As in many aspects of this great role in which I find myself, I will be looking to my predecessors for inspiration. Although I’m not sure I will get to accuse them of having blood on their hands unless we actually set the dogs and the horses on them. Then they might have blood on their hands, I suppose.”

“It’s their way of feeling involved in things,” he added sagely. “Of course, when the Big Society kicks in, they’ll all be involved and they won’t need to take part in marches like this one – and we’ll be able to finish banning the right to assemble.”

Mr Clegg was asked for his opinion of the upcoming protest.

“Of course this is all very fair. It’s fair that we allow people to assemble for as long as that’s still legal. And it’s also fair that we pretend to respect this march because we know it’s completely ineffectual. And because there’ll be a lot of press watching. It wouldn’t be fair to use police brutality and CS gas on a march of this size, because there’ll be cameras there.”

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