Home > Cameron, Christmas > The Nightmare Before the Christmas Carol (and other seasonal abominations)

The Nightmare Before the Christmas Carol (and other seasonal abominations)

December 4, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in the UK
The people of Britain were far from okay.
Those who had houses were tucked in their beds,
While thoughts of disaster danced in their heads

The markets had crashed, the recession loomed on;
It was hard to be cheery when the jobs were all gone.
The bills on the mantle would never be paid
But at least they were better than those needing aid
Because those days were gone; the days when the state
Might support those in need or who fell in dire straits
Were a thing of the past now – it was each on their own
And Christmas is hard if you might lose your home.

The country was struggling, debt and despair
No Santa to wish for, it wasn’t quite fair.
And no sleigh bells were coming, no hope and no cheer
A dismal prospective at this time of year

For Santa the socialist was barred from this land
His renegade policies now had been banned
It was wrong to give gifts to the poor and bereft
To the homeless, the jobless, the unions, the left.
Presents to kids who had worked not a day?
Everyone knew that this just led the way
To a life as a scrounger, a benefit cheat
So Santa was banished, the year’s greatest feat

But all was not lost because on this one night
One man had the power to make everything right:
(Though many by now thought him naught but a prick)
The great Mister C, and his reindeer called Nick

Some said he was cruel and unfair and unkind
Some said that his reindeer was out of his mind
Some said he was only a privileged twit
A Bullingdon bully who cared not a whit.

But at this time of year, even Scrooge could come good
Though the odds were against it, maybe Mr C could?
When rattling chains came and banged at his door
He opened it up to the ghost of Before

The ghost of Before and the ghost of Right Now
Had come on this night to show Mr C how
Their lives and careers, once so powerful and great,
Had ended in loathing and lynch mobs and hate

Mrs Thatcher and Murdoch told cautionary tales
And Mr C knew that a wise man would hail
The message they brought him and heed what they said
While Nick whimpered in fear and hid under the bed.

His heroes departed, Mr C locked the door
But this night was not finished, there was still to be more.
The Ghost of To Come is worst ghost of all
And To Come was now marching in right through the wall.

Mr C held his nerve, much braver than most,
His feet planted firmly, he stared down the ghost.
But To Come showed him something that all wise men fear
The results of elections in upcoming years.

Then it was over and the ghosts were all gone
Mr C saw the light now – there was work to be done!
So he saddled his reindeer and flew through the night
It wasn’t too late – they could still put this right!

Such hardship and struggle they saw as they flew
So many in trouble, so much they could do.
Though the weight of their bags almost caused them to crash
They got to the banks and they gave out the cash.

For the way to save Britain was to give to the rich
Though he knew in his heart that the poor would still bitch
But what could be done with the ungrateful swine?
Whatever he did, the scroungers would whine.

With gifts handed out to the good and the great
He hopped on his sleigh for it wasn’t too late
To pop down the chimney of good little bankers
So what if the bitter still thought them all wankers?

With joy in his heart, Mr C passed out cheques
Bigger than anyone dared to expect
To each high ranking banker and financial advisor
No one again would dare call him a miser!

The bankers all happy, Mr C headed home
Locked Nick in a stable and picked up the phone
For the press must be told of this great Christmas tale
And headlines prepared in the fine Daily Mail.

At home safe and sound Mr C filled his glass
His work was now done and the year it had passed
Nick in the stable was carefully tethered
Just a toast to us all being in it together
Was left to be raised by our champion of right
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Categories: Cameron, Christmas
  1. July 2, 2013 at 10:57 pm

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    Tombstone is a brilliant action movie that is better than the book.

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