Posts Tagged ‘Iceberg dead ahead!’

Scorn not his big society

March 14, 2011 Leave a comment

Mr Cameron was today challenged on what some saw as a potential flaw with “releasing public services from the grip of state control”.

Cutting edge research revealed that the National Minimum Wage Act 1998 states that anyone doing work for an organisation must be paid at least the minimum wage. While charities, voluntary organisations and statutory bodies are legally entitled to employ unpaid voluntary workers, private companies are not.

On the face of it, this may present a problem for the implementation of two of Mr Cameron’s most treasured schemes – on one hand, all public sector jobs being done for free; on the other, the outsourcing of all public sector work to private industry, This morning it was pointed out by radical left wing organisers that private companies may not be covered by ‘charities, voluntary organisation and statutory bodies’ and would therefore be leally obliged to pay people for doing a job. Some representatives of the vicious left wing media went so far as to say that Mr Cameron’s two top policy initiatives might now be irreconcilable.

When the revelations broke, several senior tories scratched what appeared to be their heads. In comments made off the record, a number admitted they had never heard of the legislation in question.

“Who came up with this nonsense?” asked one. But morale in the party was hit hard when an intern confirmed that the legislation indeed existed and that the far-left’s unpatriotic attempt to undermine Mr Cameron’s hopes for a better Britain might have some legal legitimacy.

“But if we can’t make all the people we fire work for free, the whole country will collapse!” said one. “I mean, someone has to do these jobs that are getting slashed all over the place. Quite a lot of them are important.”

“Also, if we can’t make everyone work for free, how would the Big Society work?” asked another, looking confused. “We don’t have all that many policies, so it’s really important that we can keep saying this one is going ahead full steam.”

Suggestions that this revelation might discourage plans to auction off public services were quickly dismissed.

“No, we are committed to this very real option for genuine diversity,” Mr Cameron told the press at lunchtime. “Also, we’ve already promised lots of the contracts to our friends.”

However reconciling the two schemes took all afternoon, during which time Mr Clegg volunteered to be tied to a pole outside parliament to distract the public by allowing them to throw things at him.

By tonight, the government had started to downplay any suggestions that these debates would hamper their plans.      

“It’s very simple,” said Mr Cameron. “Firstly, we’ll need to repeal the National Minimum Wage Act, which we were going to do anyway. That really is the only important thing here. This will remove any controversy about our plans.

 Mr Cameron did not address rumours that the government’s back up plan involved conscription for people who have been out of work for more than one week and who can’t support themselves.

Mr Clegg confirmed that his party had checked these plans for fairness and he was as happy to approve them as he was to be released from the pole.

“It wouldn’t be right if we were seen to break the law,” he explained. “But repealing the law would mean that we don’t break it, and that means we remain completely fair, as well as blatantly transparent, which is what the country wants and what we always promised.”

The Size of Things to Come

February 24, 2011 Leave a comment


After eight months of suspense, Mr Cameron is one step closer to revealing the size of the new British State. Mr Cameron is on record about his intent to reduce the size of the state but so far has not revealed its intended dimensions. Some regard the lack of hard numbers as uncharacteristically vague, given Mr Cameron’s commitment to transparency and open government. Others have ventured to suggest that it may be an extraordinarily cunning plan that allows us enough time to imagine a future so grimly apocalyptic that we are in fact relieved and pleased when it is only somewhat apocalyptic, and most of the grimness is endured by other people.

Mr Cameron’s latest announcement about local government funding helps to sketch out the parameters of this new and streamlined state, leading some to speculate that the new state is going to be very small indeed.

The proposals suggest that wealthy boroughs keep the business tax they generate, to distribute as they see fit in their own areas. Poorer boroughs will keep the business tax that they don’t generate, which they will be permitted to distribute to those who really need it in any way they deem appropriate.

So, with these new numbers in, how big is the state going to be?

“We believe it may be big enough to fit Mr Cameron, the current government and at least one hundred of his closest friends,” say expert specialists who have examined the plans in some detail. “This is a little smaller than we were expecting, but we don’t see any significant obstacles to fitting in everyone and everything that actually counts.”

The Lib Dems were quick to reassure the country that they have checked the plans for fairness and are happy to sign off on this sensible and equitable proposal.

“The people who have money will be able to have money and the people who don’t have money won’t have money,” said a spokesman. “This is always what we hoped for when we spoke of a fairer nation. I mean, anything else wouldn’t be fair.” 

There is only one conceivable stumbling block to this sensible approach, which is concern about what will happen at the next election. Some tories are concerned that if Mr Cameron does reduce the size of the state to one hundred of his closest friends, that the rest of the population, who no longer fit in this sleek and streamlined state, might not vote for him next time around. The tories have spent time researching the grasping and self-serving nature of some people and fear that without an obvious incentive, such as being regarded as a part of the state, some of these people may not see a reason to vote for them to govern it.

“This must and will be addressed,” said a senior tory who declined to be named. “In two years time, once we have all the money again, we’ll give everyone an extra loaf of bread and a chicken. Even the scroungers. They’ll be so desperate by then that this will obviously buy their eternal fealty.”

However, the outgoing Irish government have warned their British counterparts that these plans may not be enough. Last year they offered free cheese to their downtrodden and impoverished masses, and they’re still going to end up with 14% of the vote when the public hits the polls tomorrow.